as told to jat sapphire

This is one of those things that isn't (or is it aren't?) as hot as you think.

Hutch and me, over the time we've been together, has made it alot in the kitchen, if that's where we were in the heat of the moment, so to speak. Heh.

The trouble is the heat of the moment part.

Now, you gotta think, why are we in the kitchen to begin with? You think maybe we're hungry? Making food? Got it.

So, if it's, like, a sandwich, we got bread and tomato & pastrami & ham & swiss & cheddar and mayo&mustard&butter&pickles&relish and that weird greens that Hutch likes, and knives & plates and stuff on the counter, right? Which doesn't leave a lot of room for getting it on. I tell you, it cools off the mood real fast with a capital EEL when he hoists me up and I sit on a fork.

And let's not even talk about the divided sink.

Or maybe it's hot food, and we've got eggs frying (cause Hutch is just an egg fiend, I don't get it, musta been a weasel in his previous life), or maybe I'm warming up a pizza or we've got the wok on for one of those stir fries I kinda like (but don't tell Hutch) . . . anyway there's a burner going, and there's food on it, & we're bangin' away against the wall when the smoke alarm goes off. And the smell! Especially peanut oil, you could just die.

And, see, I'm not a short guy per se but my legs aren't as long as that. So the table, it's a great fantasy, mind you, I got all kindsa kitchen-table fantasies, but there's nothing like tryin' to nail somebody while you're up on your tippy toes. Nothing good like that.

Plus there's something just offputting about moving the napkin rack and the placemats and the little fridge magnet that Rosie made us that doesn't really stay up, so it ends up on the table, off of the table so you can have heatofthemoment wild and crazy sex. Hutch folds placemats. I ask you. Can't keep a six-inch space in his car's back seat empty of junk, and he folds the freaking placemats while I'm trying to get my pants down.

If he wasn't such a sweet piece of ass I wouldn't keep him around.

Well, and he makes real good pot roast.

Which is actually great food for getting it on in the kitchen while it's cooking, cause it takes a while.